A few weeks ago, something happened. I’m not sure what it was. Maybe it was the looks in my children’s eyes as they’re inching closer to six (omg) and two (hold me). Maybe it was the indescribable growth our company has experienced the past two years reaching a fever pitch. Maybe it was / is God pulling me into a new season of life, closer to who He wants me to be. But this theory of grace, not perfection has become first and foremost in my mind every single second of every day. I go to sleep thinking about the life I’m leading — the busyness, the hustle, the frantic days, the frazzle, the anxiety — as well as all the good things: the success, the increasing sales numbers, the connections we have with our community, my wonderful team, and the three precious blessings Bryan and I have been entrusted with.
But one day, a few weeks ago, I woke up new. I know that sounds crazy, but its indescribably true. I woke up new. And all I could think was, I once was lost and now I’m found. The process of writing GNP pulled something out of me that has been simmering since I submitted my full manuscript in January. The process birthed something that can only be called a revelation in my own life. Everything in my life has been top priority for so many years, clicking, dinging, crying, singing, operating at incredible volumes creating this NOISE that is so hard to see through.
I’ve been making some big decisions about life and work lately – all good things, but still decisions nonetheless. And I’ve been taking such good care of my admittedly delicate self. Filling my well even when my brain tells me its time to hustle, to work, to build, to create, to pour out. I’ve been filling up and slowing down instead. It feels weird. Counterintuitive. But as my heart leads my body to do these things, they’re becoming a little easier – muscle memory is taking over. I forget where my phone is sometimes. I find myself wandering outside to watch the sunset. I watch the kids pull pots and pans out of the cabinets and don’t feel that itch to pull them away and clean up. They just bang on them over and over with giant smiles and the clanging and banging fills my heart and pushes that need to make my house perfect away.
Today I got a massage while the babies were at school. I’ve been going often because massage does something for me, forces my body to relax and let go. I don’t know my massage therapist very well, but I’ve seen her a few times. She doesn’t know what I do for a living or how many kids I have. While I was laying on my stomach, I prayed hard today. I prayed about the decisions to slow down that have been on my heart. In my prayer I said to God, “God… please just show me that these decisions I’m making to slow down, pair back, and get back to the good stuff are the right move. I’m scared. I’m scared the business will fall apart. I’m scared if I stop working at break neck speed nothing will move forward. Make it clear to me that I can slow down.” I’ve prayed that “show me” prayer a hundred times in my life but I’ve never actually SEEN a sign or had something happen that I could hold onto as proof that God is leading me in a specific direction. An hour later, as she was finishing up, I was laying on my back. Judith, my massage therapist, said to me, “Emily. I don’t talk to many people about this and I certainly don’t ask this question but, do you believe in God?” Bewildered, I said yes. She said, “I just feel like I need to tell you He’s helping you. If you just let Him, He is helping you right now.”
I’ll leave you with that. Because I’m still speechless. Thanks, God. :)
xo and Happy Weekend,