Dear sweet babies,
Hi little ones. I’m sorry I haven’t written more. It’s been a hard pregnancy for us so far, hasn’t it. Don’t worry. The hard stuff is behind us. We’re over the hump. You’re going to giggle, but it’s hard for me to imagine you’re actually in there. I feel you every now and then. I’ve felt you for weeks now (no one believes me but Daddy I think… but you and I, we know). We’re approaching Week 14. The first 14 weeks (and the 6 prior) were really hard for us weren’t they. Not just me… but you too. IVF, the unending (still ever-present at times) nausea, the actual growing pains of your little bodies fitting inside mine, OHSS, ovarian torsion, 12 days in the hospital. You’re worth it.
I struggle being pregnant, honestly. Just as God is growing and building your little bodies, he’s shaping mine too. My normally relatively thin frame is growing really fast this time and I’m learning to let God have control of it – to shape it into a perfect home for you for many more months.
We’re approaching the point in our pregnancy when the doctors will start measuring you, counting your precious fingers and toes, making there are no concerns we will need to be careful of on your birthday… I’ll be honest, I’m scared. My pregnancy with your big brother was very, very scary… leading to one big, beautiful, perfectly healthy birth-moment and the precious boy who will be your big brother forever. Still, I have a hard time letting go… realizing that God planned your lives and counted your days (and fingers and toes) long, long ago.
It took us a long time to get to the day where your little hearts began beating in my belly. Choosing to go through IVF to let doctors help in such a big way was a very hard decision for us – me in particular. But as with all things, looking over my shoulder at the past months, I see how God’s hand so perfectly orchestrated that experience. Even when I was afraid we were taking control away from Him, I see how the opposite was happening, really. He was nudging me, ever-so-gently, to trust Him. I see how He shaped our hearts during the painful parts of infertility. I see how, through that process, He very specifically prepared and chose the two of you, giving us (quite literally) NO time to question the doctor’s advice to transfer BOTH of you, not just one. I see how God knew and knows you… how He is growing our hearts to love you with more love that we ever knew could fit in our bodies… no matter how many fingers and toes you have, no matter how many days we have with you, no matter how many chromosomes you have, no matter what… he chose your precious little souls to live in my belly. And its in those realizations that I smile and feel so much peace as we enter these next few weeks and high-risk ultrasounds. My friend Stefanie Miles read this passage to me when I was terribly scared for your brother and approaching his birthday. I just want to soak these words into my soul.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139: 13-16
I love you to the moon and back, little ones. Your big brother is sleeping in the next room. Every night he leans close to my belly and whispers to you, “do you want to play with me when you come out?” He’s so excited to be a big brother to you. And a great one he will be. Grow and be strong, pumpkins.
I love you so much,