Bman, this is a note I wrote you on 1/6/11… I’m moving it to this Tumblr page so it’s all in one place.
You have a real name… a special one too, but I will call you Bman until you have children of your own – and maybe past that. I named you Bman the day after I found out you weren’t “Caroline.” You didnt have a real name yet, just Bman. It’s a Thursday night and I’m sitting in my office with a cup of coffee wearing my comfy pants. You are growing so fast and make your mama’s hips hurt these days. But it’s worth it. I’ll get to finally meet you in less than six weeks. Isn’t that funny… that we haven’t met yet, but we know each other so well. I know where your feet are. I know about your sweet dimple chin. I know the clothes you’ll wear and the place you’ll sleep.
God is gently nudging me these days and telling me He knows so much more than I know. He knows your plan. He knows your heart. He knows your path. Isnt that amazing, Bman. I want you to know my God… the one who blessed your daddy and I when we thought we might never have you. He is patient and He listens. I hope you talk to Him. He is joy and He is peace. If you ever can’t find those two things here, you can find them in Him. I’m still learning, but I’ll teach you how.
I’m so excited to see your sweet face, to hold you in my arms. Being your mommy while you’re in my belly has been the best experience of my life and the hardest at the same time. I’ve loved being pregnant with you. I’ve loved your frog-kicks and your dances. I loved taking you on a world tour even before your eyes could blink. I’ve loved watching your daddy talk to you and kiss your feet. I’ve loved how big and round my flat tummy has gotten. I’ve loved those moments late at night when it’s just you and me… when I get scared and you tap tap tap just to remind me you’re okay. And I’ve been scared. Your daddy and I have worried over your spine, your long bones, your brain and everything in between. But don’t worry, Bman, we know… our God told us… you are exactly who you are supposed to be… made perfectly to fit His plan. Between you and me, I know you’re perfectly healthy – so don’t worry.
Some days I get so scared to be your Mommy. I’m afraid I’ll let you down. I’m afraid I’ll be bad at holding you or wont know what you need when you cry. I’m afraid I wont be enough. I’m afraid I’ll forget to teach you something important. But your daddy reminds me that no matter how imperfect of a mommy I am… I’ll be perfectly yours.
I promise you a few things, Bman… I promise to teach you that family. is. everything. And you are being born into a wonderful one. I promise to teach you that you are named after one of the greatest men I know… my daddy. He is humble and strong and overflows with love for his family. I promise to teach you that your Grandma will spoil you rotten if you let her. Your grandma is just as excited about meeting you as I am. She’s going to love you in a way that only your grandma can. Her love is monumental… she’s the one who taught me how to be a mommy. Your daddy’s family is beaming with pride over their second grandson. They are already so proud of you, Bman. Then there’s your Daddy… he’s going to be your best friend. He’s planned out every Fall Sunday of your life – and they include the Chicago Bears and rides in your daddy’s vintage Bronco. Your daddy loves you with a love and a pride that I’ve never seen in him. When he found out you were a boy, he told everyone he knew – after he danced around the doctor’s office. I hope you are just like your Daddy.
I promise to show you the world, Bman. I promise to show you that creativity will light your heart up. I promise to fill your life with traditions and unconditional love. I promise to teach you right from wrong and allow you to make your own mistakes. I promise to support your decisions and teach you about priorities. I promise to raise you as a Southern gentleman and show you – by my love for your daddy, how a Southern girl wants to be loved. I promise to make memories with you and take lots of photos. I promise to love you until it absolutely hurts. And I promise to teach you how to love that way too.
Bman, you are my heart. I know a love right now that I’ve never known before and I can’t imagine what that love will be when I get to hold your sweet hands and kiss your sweet face – when we finally meet.